The Restless Firefly

“Music saves the soul.” Play it first. . 🙂

My mind has been preoccupied by a lot of things upon reaching the young professional age. Things that have reduced the melatonin in my brain and caused me sleepless nights which my future self will probably regret. There are so many things I wanna do but got so little time, so many things I wanna buy but got only a little thousand bucks in my bank, dreams I wanna reach but I lack the courage to step out of my comfort zone to begin, and too many questions which answers I have known but I keep myself disbelieving. In my 28 years of living, I think I still don’t know myself.

What do I really wanna do with my career, I’m an engineer who somewhat hated the fact that I can only imagine how the electrons flow thru a circuit and how they get trapped in a gate while the modern world calls that technology. I wanted to throw a stone to my younger self whom after graduating from high school delightfully decided to take up engineering because they say I was one of the cream of the crops and I can do it. I used to believe I would fit in. . But then I realized, if I didn’t take up the course, what would I be doing? My mind gave me silence like a discrete wind blowing in a quiet desert. I didn’t know what I actually wanted. I wanted to take another degree but not sure what is it. I’m confused but still sincerely grateful of the wisdom I acquired over the years.

I remember the most calming and fatherly lines that my daddy told me starting with “you’ll fall in love more than once.” I guess that’s a fact which is true to almost everyone. Indeed I fell in love again. . More than once, more than twice, more than thrice. All of them have failed, and I keep on repeating the same mistake over and over again until I finally got tired. I am a hopeless romantic falling over wrong people. I thought when I kiss a frog, it’ll turn into a handsome prince charming and he’ll love me forever and we’ll live happily ever after just like in Disney’s tales. Don’t get me wrong, I must say these men have good hearts but it’s just the lines in our hands do not match and that the moon and the stars are against us. Every heart break is charged to lesson learnt.

I was once asked, what’s your talent, what can you do? My mouth was shut while my mind was screaming, I blinked and froze like I was asked to impromptu find the derivative of X in a difficult calculus equation. I tried a lot of stuff believing I would find it somewhere, somehow, preparing myself to answer such question when asked again in the future. I enrolled myself in piano lessons, I learnt and glad had passed Grade 1 in ABRSM. . I tried playing the guitar and ukulele and sing my lungs out, but the talent I am looking for hasn’t showed up yet, hehe. I played pingpong, badminton and even tried tennis with a French guy who was patient to teach me (I guess he didn’t know what he signed up for, haha). Tried to cook, but nah, only my taste buds can stand my recipes. I travel and document the adventures but not sure if my writing was good or at least getting better. I wonder how I can stand writing when I’m not a reader myself. . I will not stop though and my restless soul will continue to discover things until I finally realize what I can really do.

Those were just a few shallow things in my head when I flew to Bali. I have to accept that my too-questioning self cannot solve everything, or anything. Things do not always go the way I wanted, all experiences are written in God’s book and they all serve a purpose. I went to Bali with a weary but curious heart. Contemplating. But I guess I cannot be the bummer who kills the fun when in a very joyful place. So I still drank, partied, and sun tanned. I failed to visit the temples and rice terraces so I swear to fly back.

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Delicious chicken satay, strong ocean waves, sands under my feet, a few glasses of vodka cocktails, EDM, and lots of things to ponder. My stay in Bali was lovely, so lovely. Here are a few personal photographs of my stay.