The Restless Firefly

“Music saves the soul.” Play softly while you read.

Nope! I didn’t go to Maldives in a boyfriend-girlfriend situation. I wished I were but that fantasy seemed far from possible during the first quarter of 2015. It was actually far from possible for the last 3 years. Lol. And I just can’t wait for that magical feeling anymore. The ghostly beach chick with an itchy pair of feet within my veins wanted to see what Maldives has to offer ASAP so I decided to join my colleagues and fleetingly booked a Singapore Airlines flight to the famed southern islands. The sight of the picturesque beach and sea skyline was extraordinary. It is indeed an astonishing paradise. Staring at the turquoise ocean while my feet played with the fine white sand was one of the pleasurable things I have done during my stay. But if you’re gonna ask me what is the best word to describe Maldives, I’ll immediately respond “HONEYMOON”. We were awfully surrounded by cheesy couples, here, there, and everywhere, so in love. Well, I sort of expected that, to be honest. With this kind of crowd, I came to think of what have I done for the last 3 years that put me out of the love bubble dream. I did nothing, maybe that’s why.

Shallow thoughts about love and why the hell I remained single for so long kept me sleepless for nights, demanding that I should let it out and write about it, so here I go.

I’m the hopeless romantic, but am I ready for this?

I just saw the movie “Love, Rosie” by Lily Collins and the newest entry in my crush list Sam Claflin last night and I wasn’t able to contain myself after this beautiful laugh-cry-laugh-cry film. My frustrated hopeless romantic soul burst out in tears right after Rosie hugged Alex in the room with sea view of the hotel she bought at the end. The film brought me back to my college years when I was a naive young lady believing that soulmates do exist and there will be this one love-of-my-life somewhere in the world who will bring out the inexplicable zest out of my boring and monotonous life. The movie has made me picture myself in the past when I stayed under my blanket weeping quietly but non-stop and woke up the next morning with swollen eyes and a realization that no matter how much tears I let go, I’m still drowned in sorrows. The pain of the heart break came afresh vividly like it was just yesterday. “Love, Rosie” has also made me giggle discreetly while I reminisce about the felicity I had when I was truly, madly and deeply inlove. It was purely magic, my heart felt nothing but extreme euphoria during those times. Then I burst out in tears again, thinking that somehow, I may not be able to have that 18-year-old’s butterflies in stomach kind of love again. I miss that feeling. I miss the young but real sparkling romance though I’m not sure I am prepared to face one. I think I might run the f*ck away, scared as mad, going nowhere. Am I ready for this? Maybe not.

Am I scared?

It’s funny how my friends would think that maybe I had this fear to be involved in a romantic relationship again and that the trauma was a result of failures somewhere in the past. Trauma of what? of who? I tried to enumerate the wrongs I had in the past. The most regretful one was when I decided to make it up to a love of my younger life, named X, after almost 8 years of parted ways just to realize that we still lingered unto our childish college selves. We never even had the chance to formally close what we had like grown ups breaking up. We just disappeared and never tried to work it out, the awful silence resembles the continuous waving of white flag, both ends gave up just like that. To be with him, I must mention that I ditched the most loving amazing man of my dreams I lived with for 5 years, named Y. The reason is not just because of X, but I honestly and utterly lost the spark with Y. I was saddened that I watched Y walking away without looking back. I hugged all his belongings remained in my room while silently screaming to my most selfish soul. I was trying to convince myself that I made a huge mistake but a part of me didn’t really regret it believing he deserves someone better and all the wonderful things in the world. After a few years of being strangers he then kept in touch. That freaked me out like sh*t and made me hide inside the caves of my cowardice surrounded by my egocentric and untamable self. The butterflies didn’t come back to me, so I guess there’s really no way we’ll be going back; and it hurts me too, somehow. I had random dates over the years of my solitude, more often after I moved in Singapore, but mostly do not signify milestones in my mid to late 20’s life. After I have finished this list in my head, I contemplated and thought whether one of these had actually made me fearful of opening my doors again. None of them were. I felt like I am still willing to give all the flame of love I can give as if the fuel was never consumed. But not now. Maybe not yet.

Do I feel empty? Or lonely?

I guess I have a distorted outlook towards personal fulfillment. Sometimes I daydream that it is by getting married, or by having kids and hear the cutest laughs while their favorite kiddie show is repeatedly played on youtube. Sometimes I think it is by earning the highest degree and an outstanding career while one balances the hobby that he/she loves, like playing a musical instrument or writing travel blogs. Sometimes I think that it is by feeling the rapture of wild parties with the sound of heavy bass and drops from my favorite electronic music, chain smoking and unlimited shots of spirits and bottles of beers plus non-stop socializing. But most of the time, I associate it with my wanderlust and the capability to decide and do the things I love on my own, alone. Think reasonably freely with no boundary set by cultural or religious norms. I can choose between procrastination and hastening, nagging and cooperation, repulsiveness and being charming, people don’t actually care I guess. I have traveled just by myself, got lost and found my way home. I’ve stayed in a pub alone talking to the bar tender and took pleasure that I didn’t really care about what other people think. I have wandered in cities with only my camera as my company and found relish in being anonymous. I was missing a partner in crime, a man, a love, but I was no doubt very comfortable of my singleness. I don’t need a man at the moment and completely fine with just being with my sole self. I felt alone, yes, that’s correct; lonely at times. But empty? Hmmm, maybe not.

There are too many other crazy things (or excuses if I may say) in my head that lead me to the realization why I choose to be far from love commitment at the moment. All these thoughts arrow to only one reason, as if I have created an Ishikawa diagram figuring out what is the root cause of my out-of-love-bubble state. All other options in the fish bone and respective branches were crossed out leaving only one clear culprit from the Man stem, it was me! I am the f*cking lunatic enjoying the life at present, not clinging in my past and not worrying too much about the future. I’m the insane one who doesn’t really know what to do with or how to handle love. I love the idea of being in love but maybe not in the position of being in it. Maybe not now, at least. I am the mischievous one journeying towards finding myself and mastering the art of feeling the sincerest bliss out of solitude. As soon as I feel that I can be truly happy on my own, I believe it wouldn’t be much difficult to share it with someone. I hope this goal can be achieved in the near future so I can open up my heart to the universe and let all the stars come in to fill the void I’ve been carrying over the years.

So if you, gentleman, happen to come into my life so soon and I happen to make you feel rejected, you should understand that it’s not you, it’s me. If ever our paths cross, try not to scare me and make me feel that I need you, I might run the f*ck away. Best case, maybe not. .

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Clear turquoise water with sights of baby sharks and big fishes. Spectacular shoreline and white sand. Fancy hotel rooms and everything that costs a fortune. In the midst of couples-in-honeymoon. Here are a few personal photographs of my Maldives trip.